In early November, I found myself thrift shopping at the Salvation Army in the bustling burg of Conway, Arkansas. I was with my friend Danette, who was dubious about our detour to the store, as we were on our way to judge the Miss Arkansas USA/Miss Teen Arkansas USA pageants.
(Okay, okay, I'll admit that I purposely sought out the thrift store in Conway so that I could include my misadventures at the pageant on this blog without getting off mission.)
Judging Miss Arkansas? You're probably wondering how that came about. Danette, who was a judge at Miss Alabama last year, got asked to do the judging for Miss Arkansas because the same organization runs both, in addition to Miss Mississippi (say that three times fast). They had a couple of judges back out at the last minute--so in other words, I was the runner-up and had to fulfill the duties of someone who was unable to.
But why would Brian be qualified to judge a pageant? I asked myself the same question. Those of you who know me well know that I am the least judgmental of my peers. I'm shy, quiet and deferential to the opinions of others. I'm not at all critical and have never said a catty thing about anyone in my entire life. But, I knew that it was important to the young women of Arkansas that someone (a Paris, per se) be there to decide between them, so I sucked it up and promised myself (and those girls who were relying on me) that I would do my best to be critical, discerning and judicial in my choices.
Judging Miss Arkansas was much more difficult than I expected. There are lots of forms to fill out and a two-minute one-on-one interview with each and every contestant. It's kind of like speed dating: five women come into the room and stand by one of the judges; the facilitator says go; they sit; you talk; time is called; and then they move on. It's fast and furious. I tried to use open-ended statements, rather than questions in an effort to spur conversation: "Tell me more about your love of hot cheetos," "How do you like living in Smackover, Arkansas," and "How do you exemplify your life motto?" (Them: "Exemplify? Can you please use that it in a sentence?" Me: "Sorry, how do you live your life motto.") One also found oneself asking "What was it like to grow up in a family of nine children" quite often.
The person running the show told us that we COULD NOT select Miss Arkansas based on the interview. She drilled into our head a motto which apparently comes from the Miss USA pageant: "Beauty is our business. Beauty is our business. Beauty is our business." It's a beauty pageant, not a scholarship pageant. There was not a talent portion.
Some things I learned from the interview process:
1. There are a lot of women out there who have always dreamed of being Miss Arkansas. I have always said, "You have to dream big," and apparently they did.
2. If all of the beauty salons and day spas are opened by the women in the pageant who say that is what they want to do, Arkansas is going to be a VERY beautiful place in the future.
3. Even though none of these women looked as if they had eaten anything in the last month, nearly all of them listed some sort of sweet, decadent dessert as their favorite food. To look at?
After the interview, there was a short break and then the pageant proper began. Dresses and swimwear....over and over and over again. And the whole time, the contestants were just staring me down. It was almost enough to make a judge scream, "No more chiffon! No more taffeta! Give me shantung silk or give me death!" And, I imagine that the eveningwear section at the Little Rock Dillards is completely bare, much to the chagrin of holiday gala goers.
Some advice for any of you who may be considering entering a pageant:
1. If you are going to put "When it comes to make up, less is more" as your beauty tip on your profile, you had better be living it. Don't sit down in front of me with purple eye shadow caked on up to your eyebrows.
2. The Apostle Paul is not an interesting choice for the question of "Who would you most like to have lunch with." Neither is Oprah. (about 53% responded the big O on that one) Bill Clinton IS an interesting choice, especially if you're a Republican. Even more so if you are a gorgeous Republican with long legs and blond hair. Please let me know how that goes.
3. Don't flatter the judges. "You've got really beautiful eyes" has never gotten anyone ANYWHERE and it certainly isn't going to make you Miss Arkansas.
Some general advice:
1. Visible band-aids and eveningwear do not mix.
2. Text messaging is not a talent.
3. A flamenco dress does not a Miss Arkansas make.
4. Make sure that your hair-do is tiara friendly. If it's not, what is the point of winning.
The whole experience was completely bizarre. The group of judges was kept together and chaperoned at all time to make sure that nothing untoward happened. I really did enjoy meeting the other judges and, of course, Danette and I had a fantastic time. I was worried that I would be out of sync (as opposed to N'sync) with the other judge's choices, but I picked 8 out of 10 of the finalists for Miss Teen Arkansas and 6 out of 8 of the finalists for Miss Arkansas. In the end I picked Miss Arkansas and her runner up and Miss Teen Arkansas, which made me feel good about my choices. (Well, as good as I could. I mean, I was judging women based solely on their physical attributes in 2004, but what the hey.) Both contestants will be competing in the Miss USA and Miss Teen USA pageants and I can hardly wait to watch.
I'd like to leave you with a little lesson that I learned from Miss Arkansas USA 2003 and her experience at the Miss USA pageant. She said (and I paraphrase): "You know that only one of those girls is going to go home with the crown, but we all get a wonderful new groups of friends." Believe it, live it, it's the truth.
Next week: The true story of our adventures at the Conway Salvation Army where we met Flonelle (not her real name, its important to protect the innocent) and heard about the triumphs and tragedies of her life. Not to mention, several fantastic thrifting finds.
(Okay, okay, I'll admit that I purposely sought out the thrift store in Conway so that I could include my misadventures at the pageant on this blog without getting off mission.)
Judging Miss Arkansas? You're probably wondering how that came about. Danette, who was a judge at Miss Alabama last year, got asked to do the judging for Miss Arkansas because the same organization runs both, in addition to Miss Mississippi (say that three times fast). They had a couple of judges back out at the last minute--so in other words, I was the runner-up and had to fulfill the duties of someone who was unable to.
But why would Brian be qualified to judge a pageant? I asked myself the same question. Those of you who know me well know that I am the least judgmental of my peers. I'm shy, quiet and deferential to the opinions of others. I'm not at all critical and have never said a catty thing about anyone in my entire life. But, I knew that it was important to the young women of Arkansas that someone (a Paris, per se) be there to decide between them, so I sucked it up and promised myself (and those girls who were relying on me) that I would do my best to be critical, discerning and judicial in my choices.
Judging Miss Arkansas was much more difficult than I expected. There are lots of forms to fill out and a two-minute one-on-one interview with each and every contestant. It's kind of like speed dating: five women come into the room and stand by one of the judges; the facilitator says go; they sit; you talk; time is called; and then they move on. It's fast and furious. I tried to use open-ended statements, rather than questions in an effort to spur conversation: "Tell me more about your love of hot cheetos," "How do you like living in Smackover, Arkansas," and "How do you exemplify your life motto?" (Them: "Exemplify? Can you please use that it in a sentence?" Me: "Sorry, how do you live your life motto.") One also found oneself asking "What was it like to grow up in a family of nine children" quite often.
The person running the show told us that we COULD NOT select Miss Arkansas based on the interview. She drilled into our head a motto which apparently comes from the Miss USA pageant: "Beauty is our business. Beauty is our business. Beauty is our business." It's a beauty pageant, not a scholarship pageant. There was not a talent portion.
Some things I learned from the interview process:
1. There are a lot of women out there who have always dreamed of being Miss Arkansas. I have always said, "You have to dream big," and apparently they did.
2. If all of the beauty salons and day spas are opened by the women in the pageant who say that is what they want to do, Arkansas is going to be a VERY beautiful place in the future.
3. Even though none of these women looked as if they had eaten anything in the last month, nearly all of them listed some sort of sweet, decadent dessert as their favorite food. To look at?
After the interview, there was a short break and then the pageant proper began. Dresses and swimwear....over and over and over again. And the whole time, the contestants were just staring me down. It was almost enough to make a judge scream, "No more chiffon! No more taffeta! Give me shantung silk or give me death!" And, I imagine that the eveningwear section at the Little Rock Dillards is completely bare, much to the chagrin of holiday gala goers.
Some advice for any of you who may be considering entering a pageant:
1. If you are going to put "When it comes to make up, less is more" as your beauty tip on your profile, you had better be living it. Don't sit down in front of me with purple eye shadow caked on up to your eyebrows.
2. The Apostle Paul is not an interesting choice for the question of "Who would you most like to have lunch with." Neither is Oprah. (about 53% responded the big O on that one) Bill Clinton IS an interesting choice, especially if you're a Republican. Even more so if you are a gorgeous Republican with long legs and blond hair. Please let me know how that goes.
3. Don't flatter the judges. "You've got really beautiful eyes" has never gotten anyone ANYWHERE and it certainly isn't going to make you Miss Arkansas.
Some general advice:
1. Visible band-aids and eveningwear do not mix.
2. Text messaging is not a talent.
3. A flamenco dress does not a Miss Arkansas make.
4. Make sure that your hair-do is tiara friendly. If it's not, what is the point of winning.
The whole experience was completely bizarre. The group of judges was kept together and chaperoned at all time to make sure that nothing untoward happened. I really did enjoy meeting the other judges and, of course, Danette and I had a fantastic time. I was worried that I would be out of sync (as opposed to N'sync) with the other judge's choices, but I picked 8 out of 10 of the finalists for Miss Teen Arkansas and 6 out of 8 of the finalists for Miss Arkansas. In the end I picked Miss Arkansas and her runner up and Miss Teen Arkansas, which made me feel good about my choices. (Well, as good as I could. I mean, I was judging women based solely on their physical attributes in 2004, but what the hey.) Both contestants will be competing in the Miss USA and Miss Teen USA pageants and I can hardly wait to watch.
I'd like to leave you with a little lesson that I learned from Miss Arkansas USA 2003 and her experience at the Miss USA pageant. She said (and I paraphrase): "You know that only one of those girls is going to go home with the crown, but we all get a wonderful new groups of friends." Believe it, live it, it's the truth.
Next week: The true story of our adventures at the Conway Salvation Army where we met Flonelle (not her real name, its important to protect the innocent) and heard about the triumphs and tragedies of her life. Not to mention, several fantastic thrifting finds.